QUOTES
kyle: i'm gonna hit you so hard you're going to contemplate relieving yourself where you stand.
me:.. ... there's a polyp blocking my right fallopean tube.
hannah: a pile up of what?
me: so what was wrong with your parents' car?
hannah: captain g said there was translucent fluid on the engine ...
grosh: i said 'transmission fluid' you dumb bitch!
kyle: i'm not a homophobe. i'm not afraid of gays. i just hate them all. that would make me a gay-cist.
kyle: help control the pet population ... eat them.
grosh: click tools and unblock cock.
me: is this blue or purple?
phillip: it's burple.
kyle: for fuck's sake, tom!
kyle: it's my wound.
me: you should name it.
kyle: it had a name. albert. it was removed. rest in peace, albert.
me: then it should be named "the place formerly known as albert."
phillip i like rabbits. :: makes airquotes ::
andrew: :: jumps in pool & splashes me ::
me: thanks, andrew!
andrew: you don't want to get wet in the pool?
kyle: i like buns but i shop at a different bakery!
tom: you're daddy's little extension of evil!!
tom: yo, 911? we got a tall nigga in a leotard on our roof.
me: you're not a lesbian and i'm not a lesbian so if we sleep together it wouldn't be a 69 but more like an 11.
me: egg flower soup? i didn't know eggs had flowers.
phillip: yeah, when you plant them they grow eggplants.
phillip: they're called boobaloos.
me: sounds like a breast.
phillip: i like your boobaloobies.
hannah: i could never fall for a midget.
me: i could never fall for a midget either but i could fall over one.
jared: that's the first thing i'm doing wednesday.
tom: going to vegas?
reege: i have a shark tooth necklace at home for free.
phillip: was it free for the shark?
phillip: we got hit by slumdog millionaire!
jared: is that your bottle of lube?
reege: ... sucker.
phillip: suck her? i don't even know her!
wings: b as in boy?
me: tell her, "g as in goat."
phillip: g as in guy.
me: g as in gonorrhea.
charlie: g as in "get it right, bitch!"
kristen: you know i have an older brother. you met his door.
charlie: i would have beat her!
me: she's retarded.
charlie: it just means you'd have to beat her longer.
jermain: i just saying you fried potatoes is ready, massa!
phillip: i don't know carrie's address.
me: i do!!
me: gimme your shoes! i need to shit in your shoes right now!!!!
hannah: he's definitely not at our bunlevel!
phillip: you're putting stuff where it doesn't belong ... which is what i said.
josh: my left nose won't stop running.
mom: so how are things in the land of misfit toys?
peter: it doesn't count if you pay her.
me: yes, hannah. i'm gonna drive to fayetteville and kill him.
hannah: i guess i'll go to court by myself.
me: not, "don't kill him" but "i'm gonna go to court by myself?!"
hannah: oh yeah. that too.
josh: do it! i dare you!
me: it's baking! hold on!
me: :: sigh :: i wish i could drive the dairy queen home.
phillip: i lost my face.
me: no, i'm pretty sure your face is still attached.
phillip: i lost my face and i fell on my vest.
phillip: :: while watching a haunting in connecticut :: slumber party!!
me: if you have aids in your eyes, is it called visual aids?
phillip: there's seamonkies floating in the bottom of my drink.
me: :: spits drink all over phillip, grosh, charlie & the kitchen ::
charlie: my imaginary friend with benefits.
grosh: it's not a circle because then it'd be two dimensional.
grosh: so i came in a sock ...
phillip: my phone is beeping at me.
me: go plug it up.
phillip: i don't give in to peer pressure.
phillip: he's like a port-a-potty ... occupied. except the port-a-potty has less diseases.
hannah: why are the horses outside in the rain?
matt p: they're waterproof.
me: q-u-o-r-n.
grosh: use it in a sentence!
me: i'm allergic to quorn!
grosh: i need that.
hannah: :: kicks it out of the car anyway ::
chris p: girl, pyom!
rod: sheeky llama, llama, llama! yo! imma get the lion king back. yo! mufasa ain't dead!
jermain: mufasa, mufasa, mufasa!
rod: mu-fasa!! he ain't dead. he ain't got trampled by them deers! he was tryina catch em! and he caught up, you know? 'cause they got caught up in the action. they said, 'argh!' mufasa on him! he in his mind! he all up in the wiring!
rod: it's gonna be like green apples and sour eggs. no, sam i am! i don't like green eggs and ham! no, sam i am! you know green eggs and ham?
me: mmhmm.
rod: sam i am didn't like em. i don't like em in a box. i don't like em with a fox. i don't like green eggs and ham. i don't like em, sam i am! :: falls backwards into trashcan ::
me: :: to an extremely drunken rod :: hey. you ... wait. you can't ... it's not ... okay.
rod: who is she? she said i can't do nuthin.
jermain: that's because she lives here. and that's not yours, boo boo.
rod: can't stop me!
rod: it's the yellow and gray man. it's yellow and gray!
rod: and i'm monifah. uh-huh. and :: clap, clap, clap :: you know ... i got this wristband. uh-huh. on my arm. and and great american. yep. and i drink ...
me: too much.
me: i ordered chinese food an hour ago and it's still not here!
mom: china's a long ways away. it's gonna take a while for it to get there.
mike b: :: to the tune of nothing else matters by metallica :: i've never opened my butt this way. my stomach hurts and my shit is gray. i'm all out of stuff to spray and runny shit splatters.
mike b: ouch! josh i just broke your guitar.
josh: if you broke my guitar ...
mike b: i broke it. didn't you hear it say, "ouch!"
mike b: i'm gonna end every sentence with "dot com." :: pauses :: dot com.
me: so would a hispanic hermaphrodite be called a shim-y-chonga?
peter: error.
ricky: it sounds like something you'd say after bad sex. error! backspace! ctrl/alt/delete! end task! hurry!!
me: if the muffin man was gay, would he be a muffin top?
me: happy valentine's day!
grosh: happy muthafuckin valentine's day to you too, bitch!
me: oh! i got a "muthafukin" and a "bitch!"
grosh: you know you like this dick!
peter: i'm afraid of fictitious warewolves.
me: as opposed to real warewolves?
peter: yeah.
me: peter, all warewolves are fictitious.
me: :: after hearing peter talk for an exceptionally long time during a movie :: peter, honey, you're talking in the tv room again.
grosh: :: talking to charlie :: i've farted on hannah. i've farted on carrie. you're next.
me: and if you're lucky ....
grosh: im thinkin im takin a nap before my aunt gets here
me: alright. have nice nappy dreams!
grosh: haha have a nubian night!
me: :: calmly :: so, hannah, were you gonna hit that guy right there?
matt p: it tastes like a laser!
hannah: are you banana? yes!
hannah: is it closed?
me: no, the building's just sideways.
hannah: how old is she? oh, she's 32.
mom: i remember him being sloppy and dirty.
me: i'm assuming the years haven't done much for him either. his family's the type of family that would have chickens. i don't mean like chillin in the backyard in a coop but more like, cruisin across the kitchen table while you're eating your nascar o's ... or whatever rednecks eat. the chicken's done shit in my cereal, ma! well, scoop it up with yer spoon fling it at your gram-ma to wake the bitch up and finish eatin, we're late for the tractor pull!
me: he's a redneck. i'm serious. i honestly think he bleeds flannel.
me: what is wrong with my phone? why does it keep doing that?!
jared: it has aids.
erin: wouldn't that be hearing aids?
peter: and i'm the drunk dumbass who would shit my shoes!!
phillip: i'm the santa claus of alcohol!!
jared: eff them in the a with a big ol' d!
me: you'd put a condom on a zucchini?
mike b: i don't want any std's.
me: well, it all depends on how sexually active the zucchini is.
me: :: to a total stranger :: you have another cigarette i can have?
mike b: :: on the phone :: you should have asked to borrow one.
me: borrow one? it's not like i can give it back to him when i'm done.
stranger: i wouldn't want it back anyway! what am i gonna do with a butt?
me: well .....
james: we were all holding a piece of him.
jared: you never hear of someone dying from just one aid. it's when there's a whole lot of them.
jared: :: walks in my apartment and hands me a piece of paper :: here. you're jacqueline early.
me: :: looks at paper for a second and then back at jared :: where'd you get this?
jared: don't worry about it.
(this is in reference to AAA fraud)
me: all my friends are gay. they could dress my car and make all pretty but breaking into my car would pose a problem for them.
peter: too much martha stewart and not enough oj.
hannah: and god is with us! why are you laughing? i don't understand! i'm stating facts here.
hannah: :: giggles :: gonorrhea.
hannah: :: out of nowhere :: meningitis!
matt p: :: sitting at a red light :: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Happy green light!!
hannah: feel my muscle!
matt p: no.
hannah: feel it before it goes away!!
matt p: it's gonna go away? poof! there it goes!!
hannah: what'd he say earlier? sour pussy?
hannah: we still have to go get a bootle of bon's farm!
hannah: i like my chemical romance better.
matt p: fuck my chemical romance. i like my band better! i'm the only member!
hannah's dad: :: yawns loudly ::
me: :: calmly :: hannah. your house is haunted.
hannah: :: writes on a napkin :: get out of jail fo free.99
hannah: :: in a southern accent :: turkey! gravy! mashed potatoes! stuffin! sweet potato casserole! aaaaaand pie! :: snores ::
matt p: it takes a lot of energy to suck that bad.
hannah: i'm glad we're friends. i love you. you're delicate.
hannah: :: yelling :: you wanna split one, bitch?!
me: my head has a mind of its own.
me: i sometimes feel guilty when I eat gummy bears.
mom: why?
me: because i wonder if the company sealed their mouths shut so we can't hear then scream when we bite into them.
mom: hand me one and let me see if i can hear it scream. :: takes one and puts it in her mouth ::
josh: :: muffled :: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
josh: pa-pa ... mama ... shut up!
hannah: :: rolls down window and asks a total stranger :: excuse me, can you throw this in the trash for me?
grosh: :: in a text to me DURING his college graduation :: are yall here? and if so isn't this all a big crock of shit? just gimme the fake piece of paper and lemme go
grosh: :: in another text to me DURING his college graduation:: i dare you to stand up and yell "i like rape!!!"
me: i should have yelled out, "that's my baby daddy!!"
outside: :: loud falling noise ::
hannah: some black bitch just fell down the stairs!
hannah: bring all my stuff from the bathroom!
me: i'm not an octopus, hannah!
me: i wish i had that thing in my car so we could listen to the ipod on the way.
hannah: we should bring my ipod! oh wait.
hannah: i feel like running.
me: well, go for it.
hannah: nah. it's just a feeling.
me: hannah, slow down. i'm fat. i'll have a heart attack.
hannah: if you have a heart attack, i know cpr.
me: i don't want to have one but thanks anyway.
hannah: :: talking about the mustang in front of us ::
me: :: as i'm coughing :: i'm choking.
hannah: oh. are you okay?
me: yeah. i got this.
hannah: that mustang has a good sense of direction.
me: holy shit! i think i'm typing in korean now! :: types some more :: yep. definitely korean. fix it!
kyle: :: sprays me in the crotch with a water bottle:: i got you wet!
miranda: :: takes water bottle from kyle and sprays him in the face:: no, kyle! no!
me: why do you have an epipen in your car?
grosh: he's probably allergic to bees.
jermain: :: nods ::
me: so are you allergic to any other letter of the alphabet?
jared: top of the muffin to ya!
me: it's saying volume too high.
peter: how does it know?!
jared: so who are you and who are you trying to fuck?
grosh: meail is a new faster form of email.
me: tell him, "yesterday i shat and it reminded me of you so fuck off."
me: :: after peter had a laughing fit for about 2 minutes over something that wasn't necessarily that funny :: after a while of being untreated, doesn't syphilis turn into dementia?
jared: aristocrat is so cheap it should be on a date with peter right now.
jared: peter. love you. love everything about you. wanna be you for halloween next year.
phillip: where's matt?
me: he's in the library doing some more on his project.
phillip: he's doing some moron in the library?!
me: peter, where are you going?
phillip: to the library to be matt's moron.
dana: i found my teeth!
jared: you mean the one that looks like a bag full of aids? you know like if you took a bag and stuffed it with aids and shook em all up?
jared: oh carrie, you're my favorite gay man.
me: ukuleles for everyone!!
jared: what just happened? i feel older now.
jared: just think of that as a commercial break. now back to the show.
peter: ... k3po4
me: c3po?
peter: no. k3po4.
jared: c3po's cousin.
grosh: sausage, egg and cheese.
woman @ mcdonald's: on a biscuit?
lindsay: no, on a salad. what the fuck?!
me: i've lost the remote.
phillip: i've lost my will to live
me: :: bursts out laughing :: wait ... were you serious? because if you were, that's not funny!
grosh: i juuuuusssttt ... mmm!
jared: i don't think office depot will put "cocksucker" on a business card.
grosh: when i look at you, i know i'm home.
jordan: carrie, you're a retard.
me: i'm not a retard!
jordan: you're a sexy retard!
me: k!!
me: phillip!! emergency! come quick!
phillip: what's wrong?
me: i peed on my tail!
me: i like to flirt.
phillip: i like to flirt too.
me: flirt sounds like a french fart.
phillip: i flirted.
me: i ate some crepes and then flirted.
grosh: now i want a pb & j.
me: he doesn't have any pb.
phillip: i have the b & j!
grosh: aaaaaaahhhhh iiiiiii farted!
ryan: am i hurting you? i'm not doing it to hard am i?
grosh: i don't want to stay with sarah palin!
me: you can tell them you have ...
phillip: mesothelioma?
jessie: i'm gonna gangbang your ass! ka-bam!!!
jessie: let's eat stuff!!
me: we no longer have a chinchilla.
phillip: did he fly away?
me: phillip, chinchillas don't fly.
phillip: yours must have been broken.
me: whatever. i took him to sweet pets. they're gonna find him a good home.
phillip: did you tell them the chinchilla is broken? how are they gonna sell a broken chinchilla?
phillip: what's wrong with your toe? other than it being your toe.
grosh: :: complaining that he has to sit in history of jazz class listening to old jazz music ::
me: when the next song comes on you should jump up and yell out, "this is my shit, yo!!" and do the booty dance. crank dat louis armstrong!
grosh: he loves me. and christien. and eric. and mike ...
me: peter got dating and the directions for shampoo confused. lather, rinse, repeat. lather, rinse, repeat. they just never tell you when to stop!
grosh: :: starts car not realizing he forgot to turn his music down :: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!
me: just so you know ... no one goes in the "out" hole. i'm a bottom by default but my ass is still off limits.
me: that's me?!
me: minus the ?
me: i meant for there just to be an ! but the ? snuck in there.
el: earlierly.
me: i'm elated that you're not with him anymore.
grosh: belated?
me: no, elated! i'm not late! i'm happy!
laura: so i am thinking you are sort of a big deal.
claire: i love claire when she's drunk!
father karras: what was my mother's maiden name?
regan: :: vomits on him ::
me: how would you write that on paper?
phillip: you forgot to dot the i! :: spits ::
me: someone's vomiting! :: long pause :: ohmigod! someone's eating it! :: long pause :: oh disgusting he's still eating it!!
phillip: they didn't have time machines back in 1973!
me: phillip, they don't have them now either!
dumbass: will/have you allow(ed) your son to drink from a straw, or are you scared it'll turn him gay? how is this any different from women who think a man is gay if he drinks a fruity drink?
me: what do drinking from straws and fruity drinks have to do with homosexuality? my son drinks from a straw and isn't homosexual. i also allow him to eat hot dogs. i guess i'm just living on the edge. i think i'd be more concerned over his sexuality if my son liked a nice deep dicking in his ass.
devon: pee pee nips!
grosh: my ass is your vag.
laura: i don't want you to ever spread my ass cheeks.
josh: i have not been hopping anything! wait. what?
mom: ... investigate the death of a man who was found at the bottom of an empty bowl. empty bowl?
me: mom, that says pool.
mom: that makes more sense. i was gonna say what was he doing at the bottom of an empty bowl and what kind of bowl is so big it can fit a grown man?
me: apparently he ate waaay too much.
phillip: at the smorgasbord?
grosh: you should get a dog.
me: what would i name it?
grosh: you should name it .... huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu.
me: you should come to di'gioia's and eat with me.
grosh: to where?!
me: di'gioia's!
grosh: where?!
me: huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!
grosh: that's what it sounds like you were saying!
grosh: what does a charge nurse do? run full speed into patients?
devon: magical fairy pony pixies dot com slash org. proceeds will go to help footless puppies in yugoslavia.
mom: he'll eat anything asian. wait, that didn't sound right.
me: ow! my fallopian tube!!
me: i can perform marriages, funerals, baptisms, last rites and i can start my own church.
mike d: wow. the church of ba'gockin.
me: :: points to guy on bike :: he's the mayor.
me: you can't get the chinchilla wet.
mike: why not?
me: because he'll multiply.
mike: :: bursts out laughing :: dumbass.
me: we can't feed him after midnight either.
me: i don't care if his name is ... i dunno ... tupac! he's hot!
me: would it be considered a song? he doesn't sing.
grosh: i think it's a single.
me: music?
grosh: noise.
me: that works.
grosh: or tribal chant!
lindsay: is my piss hurting you?
phillip: todd and i are gonna start an organization to give mirrors to the less fortunate. it's gonna be called the "what the fuck were you thinking" fund.
me: i make really loud facial expressions.
corey: can you smell it? because if you can't smell it, it's not really happening.
hannah: that's okay we have all day to sleep tomorrow. and we've got bacon.
devon: i love it more than omelets.
grosh: i hate you with a passion of the christ!
grosh: :: hands down pants :: i had to get some floss!
grosh: what's it saying?
me: when i click "activate" it says: nigga please!
grosh: i like rape!
me: i like it so much, i did it twice.
phillip: i don't speak durh!
me: do you think one of the girls on 2 girls 1 cup said, "this is some good shit!"
grosh: carrie? if you were a pirate, would you wear your parrot on this shoulder ... or this one?
me: you think you jesus? you can't walk on water!
grosh: :: sings :: hey hey i wanna eat a poptart.
grosh: he said he was gonna make some sort of chicken shit.
spencer: this bass makes me have to use the bathroom.
grosh: tonky!!
phillip: where the fuck are my underwear?!
peter: you can get the afro version at negro.com
hannah: your chimichanga is sleeping.
grosh: :: as i'm playing with his hair :: you like em?
me: uh huh. :: picks one piece out of the rest :: especially this one!
eddy: :: pulls at his hair ::
me: you need to be a bit nicer to your hair. it just grew back!
lead singer: :: sings :: i don't know why ...
grosh: she swallowed the fly!
me: kcrrr look at the bag!
daniel: buzz lightyear can't fly. if he thinks he can fly ...
me: that makes him r kelly!
me & peter: whoo!
me: and that's how they died.
phillip: ... upstairs is the haunted house and downstairs is the dark maze.
peter: what about a line of babies?
peter: :: in his sleep :: boop!
erin: :: in southern accent :: that's not nice
peter: i had a woman seize on me today. it pissed me off!
me: well i'm sure it wasn't the highlight of her day either!
me: :: gasp :: i wanna put alka-seltzer in the pool!
phillip: :: gasp :: i need q-tips!
peter: i almost got a fresh fruit tray from the store.
jordan: you don't need to. you have me! i'm a fruit tray.
peter: but you're not fresh.
mom: i think you're having a manic doodle.
todd: :: while i have a drink in my hand :: carrie, you're not drinking! why aren't you drinking!
chris: do all your family members use the same social security number?
me: you'll have to wait until i get finished eating.
eddy: it's a sandwich! it's portable!
peter: it's a shame.
me: what is?
peter: tuna spends its entire life in water. then it's caught, ground up and put back in water and stuffed in a can. it's a shame.
me: i'm thinking the tuna doesn't mind so much after the whole death thing.
kevin: what time is it?
me: your mama! it says, "ruby o'clock."
peter: you're 20, right?
robert: yeah.
peter: when are you gonna be 18?
grosh: suck a fart out of my ass!
philip: carrie ba'gockin likes to put the cock in.
me: yeah, i do!
grosh: why am i watching this with ya'll?
peter: actually you're not.
me: we're watching a bear.
grosh: okay let's go fuck!
peter: all wounds have a smell.
elisha: pfft :: sniffs :: strawberries!
peter: i saw something at the store that i want to try.
phillip: what? a 13-year-old boy?
phillip: oh, carrie ... shut up.
me: my vagina's an easy bake oven!
jacqui: oh man penis is like chocolate for the vagina
me: he says it tastes like pennies
jacqui: omg i thought you said penis!
phillip: happy uni-brow!!
jacqui: call him.
me: no because then he'll expect me to talk to him.
jacqui: text him.
me: no because then he'll call me and then we'll be back to our original complaint.
woman @ the pool: i just got back from africa.
eddy: what's a crescent?
todd: it's what you get instead of a bagel.
chris: oh my god! that house is making a face at me!
phillip: it's the movie where the people are in the dryer.
todd: what's it called?
me: people in the dryer.
eddy: he said it was big, black and hairy.
phillip: that sounds like a porn.
eddy: is this gonna be a long conversation?
me: it depends on how long you plan on talking.
me: oh jesus. could you pick that up for me?
josh: yeah. i can pick it up, but my name's not jesus.
claire: superglue!
josh: have you ever noticed that he's kinda ugly?
grosh: :: walking backwards :: where are you going?! carrie, come back!!
peter: i want to eat on this :: points to ottoman :: but i don't want to make a mess.
me: then i would suggest using a plate.
me: :: gasp :: you can't "ew" channing tatum!
grosh: he's not my type.
me: he's everyone's type! he's even my dad's type!
me: well i'll just walk to work then! :: walks to corner :: i'm here!
peter: shit!
me: i don't have to right now. plus i just can't do that on command, you know?
phillip: i was gonna get her ... god!
me: you're gonna get her god? isn't that a bit expensive?
todd: just stick your finger in the hole and wiggle it around.
chris: my foot is loose.
chris: why is the sidewalk sideways?
me: because it's a "side" walk!
peter: don't eat all the cookies tonight. i want some cookies and milk tomorrow.
robert: aight, santa!
peter: :: to robert :: you pay attention to the tv while i tell her this. :: to me :: what was i going to tell you?
me: it's eastern!
todd: it's not easter, carrie! it's may!
josh: doesn't it smell like purple?!
phillip: it sounds like we're standing in front of ourselves.
grosh: i have a headache in my face.
grosh: i know i just opened my eyes but i'm not a duckling!!
grosh: can you run out of horn?
grosh: my fingers don't have twats!
hannah: :: sings :: and don't forget strawberry daquiri
grosh: mmm yummy. send me a pickle.
me: he can't die! he's in my circle!
grosh: the gun fell out of his pocket and ... i dunno! i'm not a mathematician!
me: get off me fuckie!
matt t: i did the soulja boi at work today.
grosh: can i help yoooouuuuuu?
grosh: read the erections.
grosh: look at homeboy picking his nose. oh my bad, it's a homegirl.
homegirl: :: turns and looks at us ::
grosh: oh shit! all the windows are down!!
phillip: i feel a draft.
matt t: there's a giraffe in here?!
peter: i have a headache. let's have sex.
treasure: i said, "it hurts!" he said, "it hurts like what?" i said, "it hurts like ouch muthafucka!"
angel: i could wear blue jeans, a white shirt and black shoes. does that match?
me: yeah, depending upon what part of the 80's you're in.
angel: fuck the fuck off, carrie.
phillip: your phone is bipolar. and bilingual. and bisexual.
peter: no!
peter: he wants to put boogers in my eyes. and i want to let him!
peter: it's like whitcha! japanese!
me: eddy? what is dtmf?
eddy: dial tone, mutha fucka!
me: holy crotch!
laura: what's your mom making for din din?
me: she said, "nothing."
laura: that tastes good with mayo.
me: gently tap my ass!
me: :: to my mom :: phillip and i want to know the difference between pork roast and pot roast?
mom: pot roast is beef and pork roast is pork.
me: :: to phillip :: pot roast is beef.
phillip: then what's por... nevermind.
phillip: i'm 23?
me: yep.
phillip: i'm really 23?! i thought i was 22!
jacqui: a little retarded are we?
me: i'm severely retarded. i'm like a helmet tard that drools.
jacqui: well i'm the helmet tard that drools and pisses themselves when they get excited and run into walls.
phillip: court always makes me feel like i gotta poo.
phillip: mfer!!!! what does a network error mean when you upload something? it wont upload!!!! gd! bitch! shit! damn! ass! dick! cock! fuck! pussy! barbara streisand!!
me: i like when i get thirsty and i grab my cup and there's still drink in there. it's like christmas.
phillip: wind? your last name is wind?
me: wouldn't it be funny if his middle name was 'breaks?'
me: phillip said his last name was koon. it'd be cool if his middle name were 'rack' or 'cock.'
phillip: your breath smells like the ocean!
peter: if i sit on the counter will you fuck me?
phillip: ba'gockin
me: that sounds like a last name. carrie ba'gockin.
phillip: are you german?
me: why yes. yes, i am.
me: i have blue balls.
phillip: i'm sorry
phillip: i'm a happy hooker!
phillip: i'm supposed to be straight.
peter: i got those decorations for eight dollas at the walmart.
phillip: you mean like, the ones for the door or the whole apartment?
phillip: i'm magically phillicious!
me: it does look like a sushi!
phillip: :: sings :: it starts on my back then it drips down my crack ...
phillip: :: sings :: you're the reason for the cum stains on my comforter ...
phillip: so he smells like armpits and eggrolls.
me: yeah! that's it!
phillip & me: are you still tawkin? shyut up! yer stoopid!
phillip: carrieeee yeah yeaahh carrieeeah!
chris: omg lol
chris: organasm?
eddy: could you get the sheets out of the dryer?
phillip: :: sitting and doing nothing :: i'm doing something right now.
eddy: do you need anything washed?
me: oh yeah, my towel.
eddy: well go get it!
me: why don't you go get it? i'm trying to check my fucking email and shit ...
eddy: what?
me: nothing.
phillip: spaghetti!
phillip: i do what i want! i'm cheyenne!
phillip: i have feet!
leland: boobie shower?!
phillip: :: in a text :: did she just fart?!
girl: wut dat?
phillip: a blender.
girl: a blenda?!
phillip: :: catches stove on fire :: what should i do?!
me: i dunno! i caught my house on fire!
me: i have a headache but i took some prozac so i'm happy about it.
me: :: drops food on the floor :: i'm sorry, phillip! don't spank me and put me in the cage!
eddy: where are ya'll going?
me: to be pirates.
phillip: we're gonna go get some booty!
me: pirate's popcorn? wonder what they sell there.
phillip: pirates.
me: i want a pirate. one that says "argh!" and has a parrot.
phillip: if they hand you a bucket of popcorn you should be like, "what the fuck is this?!"
me: :: sings :: he said who pooted ...
phillip: :: points :: beyonce, beyonce!
me: :: shakes head and points:: shakira, shakira!
phillip: who pooted?!
me: i think we need to do this with something smaller or lighter. those things hurt!
phillip: i'd ring your mouth if you'd stay still! :: throws milk dud across the room ::
phillip: are you grocery shopping?
me: do you have any testosterone?!
me: you don't have to see his face! doesn't he look like justin timberlake?
me: the highlight of my weekend? it was either watching the cat spin and hiss or stealing the benches from chili's with phillip. i can't decide which.
phillip: now say you're sorry
mom: no one could eat chinese food every day.
me: the people in china do it all the time.
phillip: now apologize to her.
me: are you thinking of ways to kill me?
eddy: i'll put you in the microwave.
me: i won't fit.
eddy: one piece at a time then.
phillip: we're like youtube for god.
me: i'm not a guest. i'm more of an infestation.
sarah: i'm gonna be shittin fire tomorrow.
sarah: he's a douche queef.
phillip: it reminds me of one of those crime shows where the people don't want their identity revealed so they black them out and change their voices ... only this show would be about closet case homos.
phillip: personal space invader :: smack ::
eddy: you'd let me shit on you?!
me: vandersloot!
phillip: the guy with the grass in his hair?
phillip: we should grill hamburgers. we don't have any hamburger but we can try!
me: i can kick your ass from here.
me & phillip: drive thru flarping!!
saundra: eddy's the macho man.
me: when did this happen?
phillip: alright, check it out
phillip: when a mommy and daddy lighter love each other very much ...
phillip: someone forgot to flush!
phillip: eddy, move! i'm watching b.e.t!
phillip: claps? who's got the claps?
david: why's my sweatshirt under the couch?
phillip: mcdonald's?!
claire: oops! oops! oops!
phillip: 2 for 5 dollas?! shiiiit!
phillip: would you like to suckle my dickel?
tricia: yakpoo.com
me: boomsheekah farfignugent rayshun hinton webb mmmhmm
josh: her smouse hells!
me: because i moo. watch ... moooo. see?
phillip: flarp!!!!
phillip: fire crotch!
tricia: cheesecake!!!
me: i have dreams that i have a penis. not like "have" as in "displayed in a trophy case" but "have" as in "i'll be staying in my room all day today, thank you."
todd: what kind of cookie is that?
me: sex.
todd: sex?
me: yeah, it's battered in sex and sprinkled with orgasm.
josh: it didn't come from walmart so we don't know if it has protein!
tricia: i quite simply cannot be botha'd.
tricia: smote him!
me: oh my good god! why didn't someone warn me that fiery habanero doritos were made with the fires from the pits of hell?!
- Mood:
amused
accomplishedThank you.
♥;
Carrie
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